Now’s probably a good time

As any time, to make a tribute to a dear friend.

Today, we’re supposed to make him drunk, for the last time for sometime, and maybe he’ll just get lucky, before he’s shipped flown off to where people speak in low tones, are generally very, very dark, and dances by jumping up and down at 1 stationary position with their hands clipped to their side.

Yes, Duncan is going to South Africa. Follow his journey on his blog for more updates.

It’s not like he’s going there forever. Well, maybe, if he decides to marry an African girl and just stay there. But as he said (in a macho voice) “Malaysia will still be my home base.” Alan and I had a good laugh out of that one. Kek Teng-ness.

It’s just that THE presence of THE man, who has been around all the time will be gone, you know?

The guy who always organizes everything, and have it going like clockwork.

Who leads us on with his enthusiasm and zest for life.

Who has high soaring confidence, even more after he lost weight.

Who scores occasionally, and for that you’ll wish you have his balls guts.

Who captures the audience, be it stranger or friends alike, and have them eating out of his hand.

Who lives life by his own way and religion of Duncanism and by the motto of “Hor Ee Si” (Literally translated from Hokkien as Let It Die, more subtlety suppose to mean Do things to the end).

Who is matured beyond his young years, enough to fool almost everyone (and someone).

Who is just about as good as a friend, a bro that someone could wish for, and more.

Duncan,

As I once said, I sincerely hope that you’ll attain what you’re looking for there, achieve all you can, earn all you can, and come back safely. Till then, safe journey, and all the best.

You’ve got tagged

Been a while since I last got tagged. This one’s from Swee Won, all the way in Korea.

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. [I am so lazy to formulate new questions]

Tag 8 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. [So ganas. I shall not tag anyone too] These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1 ) If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?
But I don’t have a lover. How to imagine and answer this question. Lover, pft, what a word. Why not girlfriend, or boyfriend, or darling or bla bla bla…

2 ) If you have a dream to come true, what would it be?
World peace. No, a lifetime supply of chocolate. No, world peace… chocolate…world peace…choworlatepeace…..

3 ) Are u sleepy now?
I am always sleepy. I sit down on my seat in the office in the morning, and complain that I’m sleepy. I sit down on my seat in the office after lunch, and complain that I’m sleepy. In fact, a colleague once said “Gan always looks sleepy.”

4 ) Are u confused with what lies ahead of you?
Don’t cross the bridge until you’ve reached the river. Or was it cross the bridge only when you’ve reached the river. Where got bridge on top of the road. Unless if there’s a highway below maybe… Bridges confuse me.

5 ) What’s your ideal lover like?
I’ve learnt that whatever you dream of, whatever you want, the whole long list is never achievable. There is no one single ideal possible lover. It’s just the moment, and the person. And when you’ve seen her, you’ll know she’s ideal.

6 ) Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
This is stupid. Why should you love someone, if they don’t love you back. And being loved if you don’t love them back. It’s like Yin and Yang. Can’t have one without the other.

7 ) What is the one thing that pisses you off about the opposite sex?
Nothing much really. Seriously. Really! I’m not trying to score brownie points here okay?

8 ) How far will you go for the one you love the most?
You remember the song with the lyric “I will go the distance!” . How about “Love is flying to the moon and back…if you’ll be…”

9 ) Is there anything that makes you unhappy these days?
Again, nothing much really. Except when the happy factor is not available.

10 )What is your favorite fairytale of all time and why?
Shrek. It should be a fairytale, okay?

Dizzy up the girl

It’s just the name of a favorite Goo Goo Dolls album which I had in the form of cassette, okay? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to do anything wrong towards any certain girl.

Duncan posed an interesting question once. He asked “What would be your favorite song of all time?”

To which I answered, “Iris from Goo Goo Dolls”. The band is quite timeless. 20 + years down the road, they’re still rocking hard, alongside bands like U2 and all that, although I must say they’re less well known.

Duncan thinks that Competition Smile from Gin Blossom is his all time fav. Or is it some other Gin Blossom song?

Anyways, since I haven’t blogged for the longest time, this one is going to be a medley of different topics again.

1. People come, people go. But the best of people are hardest to let go. Some people dear to me will be leaving soon for greener pastures, but not just yet. I’ll write a special dedication with tears and all that when the time comes.

2. I am happy with my job. A bit too happy, to the part where I’m comfortable. And I’m afraid that I’ll be way too comfortable to make decisions that will lead me down a rougher path, but better for my life and career overall.

3. Just the other day, I was happy at work about 2 things. Phase 1 of my year-long project has finally been commissioned, and a collective sigh of relief can be heard from the top all the way to the bottom (that would be me). Ironic statement ensues, such as “The simulation will be held at a date after the proposal has been approved, but if we’re lucky and a double fiber cut happens, we will be able to test Mesh before that“. *Nervous laughter*.

Then, there was this question. “When you think about dinner tonight, would you smile or laugh?”. Between trying to reply, trying to concentrate in the meeting, and trying to give some input at the meeting, I think I answered, “Grin. A wide grin.” Grin sounds like a word The Joker would use, but you got the gist la, kay? *smiles widely*

4. My cousin added me in Facebook, and I can’t recognize her at all. That is bad, considering that she’s actually my dad’s brother’s daughter. I even sent her the “Who are you?” message. Oh bummer. This probably happened because she has grown up to be pretty hot, and I don’t see her that much, and in the corner of your mind you’d always remember your cousins as those little kids you play with when you were much younger. Not to mention she used the other surname too (Long story there). Oh, and she has a twin sister too.

5. I had a taste of Abdul’s family hospitality yesterday. It involved having lots and lots of food shoved onto your plate, and you eat till you’re gasping for air. But it was rather fun and spontaneous to drive down (well, Shyuan did), surprise him, eat tons of good food (the chicken was a bit over BBQed though), and then drive back to KL. Thanks for the hospitality, Abdul. Had a great time. [Sanjeev thought me a trick in dealing with the food-overload. Always keep some food left on the plate, and pretend to eat it. So if people were to offer you more, you can politely decline and say you've already had some. Same thing applies to alcoholic drink, if you don't plan to get drunk.]

6. It’s a long weekend ahead, aren’t you looking forward to it? Mum came up to me one day and said “We’re going to Penang.” “Ohkay”, I said. Then she said “But we didn’t include you. ” *Insert shocked hurt face* Well, mum’s taking 2 of my cousins up there, since they’re from Malacca and have never been to Penang. Plus my dad and bro, the car just wouldn’t fit me anymore. So, I foresee a weekend with a box of pizza, drinks, and lazy time at home. Oh heavenly.

7. Bulan Puasa’s coming soon. Selamat Berpuasa to all my Muslim friends. Puasa month is important, as it signifies the beginning of the year-end period, where workload becomes less, things becomes less hectic, and invitations after invitations to go and eat by vendors would be pouring in. It’s either I’ve gotta learn to deny some of these invitations, or go to gym more. Sigh.

8. Owning a car is expensive. (Like Duh, right?) Older cars cost a lot to maintain, and it gets a bit annoying when you bring it to the workshop, get it fixed, and other new problems surfaces. Time to go to the workshop, yet again. Double sigh.

Alcohol, is bad

Now I actually rarely drink. I don’t like beer, and have never got into a state of total knockout with alcohol. Closest I’ve gotten is being tipsy, and quickly sobered up after a while.

And I’ve never dealt with anyone who was drunk before.

Yesterday would prove to be my first time, and for 2 others.

Now whenever DiGi has parties, one of their trademarks would be the free flowing beer. And sometimes wine. And then you start seeing people having red faces. It’s actually very amusing to see how different people react differently. I saw a guy who went very quiet, a girl crying and then just fell asleep, others being extra friendly to each other, and then there were those who just vomited, and had in this case a total knockout. They were incapable of moving, taking care of themselves, saying anything close to incoherent, if at all, and the whole fiasco.

Now this friend of mine, we shall call her L from this stage onwards, had just way too much too drink. Her voice went several pitches higher, she went a bit violent when we tried to stop her, and in the end she went to a girlfriend and admitted defeat, that there was just too much alcohol in her.

The poor girlfriend had to miss the rest of the party, took care of her in the office, emptied her vomit bag several times, and all that. By the time a bunch of us went back to office to clear up our stuffs and go home, we found L sitting in as sort of a vegetative state on the chair, occasionally trying to vomit but couldn’t because everything came out already, and couldn’t do anything for herself.

A bunch of us discussed extensively on the best way to get L home, all while wheeling her to the toilet on the chair to wash herself. That was another amusing sight, two guys holding her legs up, while another one wheeled the chair along the corridor to the toilet.

During the whole time, there was seriously a lot of people who were drunk at the same time. Some had red faces, walked without realizing where they were going, and another guy passed out on the sofa in the office. Some guy had bottles of whipped cream, and sprayed some on his hair.

Being the one who knows the whereabouts of USJ (L stayed in USJ), I took the task of leading the other members of the rescue team back to her house in a DiGi 4×4. She was placed in her ride, and another guy drove while the girlfriend of L went along, just to make sure she doesn’t puke all over herself in her car. Felt like some real rescue mission, with the truck leading the way and all.

Upon reaching her house, L sobered up slightly, and got really afraid that we parked in front of her place. Apparently her parents were dead strict about things like this, as I’ve later learnt and that she could be (possibly literally or figuratively speaking) thrown out of her house for doing what she did.

Hardly sobered, L started cursing us left, right, up and down for parking in front of her house, and had to drive away to somewhere else, while we try to get the number of her brother to come get her. That lasted for about an hour, as we tried to get her to walk, talk, and sober up some more.

Since L’s phone battery was dead, we had her recite her brother’s number to us. She gave us one number after another, to which after 3 attempts we realized was some random number. Ironically though, the number was always valid, and it got through, albeit to some strangers. In the end we gave up, turned the phone up and quickly looked up the brother’s number and got the right one.

L’s 21 year old brother drove out, came and got her, and we finally heaved a sigh of relief, having turned her over to someone else. In the meantime, the guy friend who drove her back also had a bit too much to drink, was feeling uncomfortable in the tummy, and also puked at the side of the drain while waiting for the brother to come.

On the bright side, I found the whole experience totally amusing, and I was laughing all the way when she called earlier to apologize and all. Of course on the bad side, I wasted the chance to party with the rest when the dance floor was opened, since I spent the later part of my night tending to a TKO drunkard.

Having spelling out the story above word for word, I think it’s probably wise for everyone to know their limits when it comes to drinking, or just avoid them straightaway (like someone I know), if you can’t tolerate much. It’s embarrassing to be caught in a vegetative state with no control of your actions or speech, and to bother people to tend to you when they themselves are looking forward to a good time.

Have fun, and drink safely guys, whenever you’re planning to do so.

Do you know that different color of roses have different meanings, and the different stalks carries different meanings too? Of course, with the power of internet and Google nowadays, just type keywords and you’ll find out what each color + number of stalks mean.

Where was I?

This urge to blog, is rather weird. Sometimes you have thoughts about things, and you can churn 2, 3 posts a day. Or in this case, I was just actually away from the PC (or at least private time at the PC), thus not blogging for some time.

As if any of you actually miss reading the nonsensical stuffs here for 13 or so days. *grins*

Anyways, the past 2 weeks have been a flurry of events, notably the 9th (I think) MMU Convocation, in which a bunch of my closest friend received their scrolls. Now they’re officially out and about in the big big world. All I can say is, welcome to the sucky working world  *Evil grin* (So much for positive thinking huh?)

It was actually great fun gathering around, meeting old friends who are here for others too, anticipating the graduates walking from the hall, some receiving celebrity like support of flowers, claps and cheers. Having said that, I did realize I will be obligated to come back next year again for some friends, and quite possibly the year after. And after. Wow.

Fireflyz is actually amazingly convenient. It takes only 25 minutes to pick someone up from the airport, as opposed to around 1 hour or so, if that someone lands in LCCT. However, I think the fact that the airplane is propeller based still worries some people. Anyone knows if there’s any clear disadvantage of propeller based planes, as opposed to jet planes?

Has anyone realized how growing older makes your body less robust, and more prone to, well, different kinds of pain? After working at night for just 2 nights, I’ve developed this really bad pain at the forehead, on my right side. Fearing the worst of a migraine, I barged into the doctor’s room, saying “I think I’ve got a major migraine”. Really, the pain was quite unbearable. But it was a relief to find out that the pain was actually due to my sinus, and my right nostril was indeed blocked. When the pain repeated itself again today, I tried clearing my nostril, and the pain subsided, a lil.

Sigh, the trials and tribulation of growing old. 3/4 of a year ago, it was that 2 weeks gastric, and now this.

Our country will be celebrating it’s 51st Independence day in half a month or so, but there’s not much hype about, huh? The newspaper these days are just full with, well, politics, and more politics. So sad.

There’s just things in life that you feel like holding on forever, but it feels like it’s slipping right through your grip. Or am I just the one thinking about nothing at all?

A special dedication

As I took out my phone, I saw a miss call from Joanne Fong about 20 minutes ago. I returned the call, but to no avail.

Well, this is the sort of hide-and-seek type of friendship we now have, post graduation and 400+ KMs away from each other.

She would call me, and I wouldn’t pick up (due to many reasons), and when I return the call, she’ll would either not pick it up at the first time, or not at all.

But of course, this post is not to rant about her.

This post is actually dedicated to one of my closest friend throughout the uni period, and even now.

I just had a suddenly feeling of melancholy, even more now since you’re about to move into your next phase in life. Blame the lonely drive back after meeting some friends, time alone in the car is always a good time to reflect on stuffs.

I can actually still clearly remember the first time I met you around 6 years ago, with your tomboy-ish short haircut, holding your hands out and introducing yourself during a SPB ice-breaking. With you matured manner, it was easy to think that you’re a senior, when in fact we’re both freshies in our Alpha year.

I don’t quite remember when we got closer though, although it seems that in Beta onwards, we were arranging the same classes (which is good I think, because I’m quite lazy to go to class, and you’ll sign for me), and doing assignments together and all that. Then after that there was Mini Project, and finally FYP.

Somewhere in the middle, there were clubs and societies, and events here and there, where I would have the pleasure of working with you in and out of the lecture halls.

Having said all that, this post is of course to put you up on the pedestal, praise you on the good qualities you have, and hope that you don’t float too high up. *please anchor yourself down before reading further*

It’s safe to say that you have an exceptionally friendly demeanor, every ready easy sweet smile, and a great personality that is hard not to like. Then there’s the part where you’re super responsible towards whatever’s bestowed on to you, and have the drive to do what is needed to get a task completed, be it out of that deep sense of responsibility, of the fear of getting bad grades in Mini Project or FYP.

You’re sensible, and can very well deliver sound mature advices or statements to which up to today, I can still remember one of it. And then there’s the part where you really value your friendship with others, and how thoughtful and caring you are towards your friends, irregardless of how they were treating you at that time.

Of course, I am also always amused by the part where you sometimes know me so well, you know what I was/am thinking about at that moment. And how you’d still give sensible, matured advises up to today.

After all of that above, some people would get the wrong impression that I might be deeply into you. This is where I would defend myself, and tell you of how I actually enjoy, appreciate and would always value the platonic friendship we have, even more now since you’re, well…ahem, and getting ahem.

Anyways, these day she would always be the one to call me, (or miss call nowadays, since she’s on DiGi and I call for free) just to talk about nothing and everything. The only 1 time I initiated a call, she couldn’t believe I was just calling her up to say Hi. The first few minutes went on like this.

“Hi Joanne!”

“Hi. Yes, what is it?”

“No, just wanted to call to say Hi.”

“Really? *You can practically smell the suspicion in her voice*”

“Yes, really. So how are you?”

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“No, really. I’m calling to say hi.”

This would go on for a few minutes, before she’d actually believe me.

Anyways, since I missed your call earlier, and you didn’t pick up mine, here’s a virtual toast to our friendship. Cheers~!. Can’t wait to see you when you come down this weekend.

Advertisement for Joanne: She’ll be coming down from the 8th-10th of August, arriving at around 8 something on the 8th of August at Subang Airport. I’m picking her up, and we’re going to meet people. Anyone who’s free and wants to meet her at that time, please do let me know! We’ll also be at the MMU Convocation the next day (9th), so meeting up there is fine too.

Out of topic: Old habits die hard. I still can’t bring myself to purchase a brand new novel from the bookshop which costs somewhere around RM 30, even with the 20% discount offer from MPH. Instead, I stopped by Selvan (Selvam?)’s book place in Cineleisure Lower Ground floor, which sells out of season/old books for half the price, and got 2 new/old books instead. Finally got a John Grisham, and a Clive Cussler. Now I can go back to my habit of reading before sleeping. *Grins*

Nice guys finish last

So someone told me, if I didn’t blog about today, I’m gonna get it.

Yes Abdul, thanks for getting us the tickets to watch The Dark Knight (again) in GSC Signature. Now I shall be brutally honest. The GSC Signature in The Gardens, Mid Valley is essentially a theater filled with couple’s seats, with spacing between each seats for extra privacy. Now rest assure I didn’t exactly need that privacy while seating with Abdul earlier, but oh well. And to make up for the loss of revenue due to the vacant spaces, they double up the price of the ticket. Other than that, i believe you can also order food, but I couldn’t be bothered to try it.

What I really want to do, turning my PC on at 2.45 A.M even though I have to wake up at 6 A.M later for Quad Bike Adventures, is to blog about the evolution of love/relationship throughout our life. Or the irony of it.

I don’t know if a lot of you get this, but I remembered how my mum used to say “Don’t find a girlfriend in school. Concentrate on study first.” Yada yada.

Being the rebellious teen I was, of course I went on to get a girlfriend. But then again it wasn’t really intentional, just the sort of thing you do when you’re not thinking/a teenager. What I’m trying to say is how innocent we were then, acting on gut instincts to just go ahead and, well, have a relationship. There was absolutely no harm in it, no obligations, no commitments, just plain fun. You do silly sappy stuffs like giving each other cards, letters, hand-made gifts, and some of you probably keep these stuffs until now.

And then you got into University. I doubt many people actually maintained their relationship from high school, so they went on to get a new one. Mum’s words rang again. “Don’t get a girlfriend now, concentrate on your study”. Being the slightly more matured but still rebellious young adult I was, I went on to get one. Again, it was unintentional. Pure young adult’s play, without a care for anything in the world.

Again, it was also absolutely innocent in a way. You barely think about the future, about possible commitments or obligations. It’s all about the moment, and living life day by day is something I absolutely miss from the time I was in Uni (sobs).

And then came graduation, and you go out to the big big world. Suddenly, it’s okay to get a girlfriend. Suddenly your mum urges you to get a girlfriend. Your nosy aunts asks about it. Your whole extended family wants to know. And if you don’t have one (like me), you have a few choices of answers you can give to them.

1. (Courtesy of Duncan) If you’re a guy, tell them “Nowadays I like guys”. Truly tried and tested, what will ensue will be awkward laughters, and total silence afterwards. Do expect a smack on the back of the head too.

2. (Courtesy of my cousin) I don’t know which one to choose, too many. What ensues will be a short laughter, with no awkward moment. Definitely much more recommended.

3. (Normal answer if you can’t think) I don’t have one now / Looking for one. What ensues might be more questioning, or even recommendations! (Gasp!)

Oddly enough, as guys who were attached in high school and uni, several others and myself are just finding it difficult to get back onto the relationship saddle.

It’s actually bizarrely peculiar. The public would indiscriminately attribute this to us being picky, or too picky, or…picky. Or afraid of commitments. Or us loving our singlehoodness too much.

And as self defense kicks in, we’ll echo back the same sentiment. We love our singlehood. We don’t want possible girlfriend keep on bugging us on our whereabouts every single moment. Or that we want to concentrate on our career. When in fact we’re actually thinning down our list of requirements, having less and less of them.

Maybe it’s a sign of desperation. Maybe it’s a sign of maturity.

Or maybe it’s because it’s just so darn difficult to meet new people. You’re probably lucky enough to have some ex-uni friends around your area, and you’re still staying in your hometown. 2 bunch of friends. If you’re colleagues are young and happening, there’s another bunch. But other than that, the pond is stagnant. It doesn’t rain just about any other day, and tsunamis just don’t happen in ponds.

Personally, the period of me being single was an eye-opener. I have experienced things I would probably never do if I was too caught up with my other half, self discover some good and bad traits, change for the betterment, and have actually transformed and evolved my requirement of my ‘It’ girl to something that (I hope) sufficiently reflects maturity.

Now, to find that girl, yeah?

It’s a rough, rough ride

Several days ago, I was posed with a serious, major problem.

It took me sometime to consider the options, possible repercussions, possible Plan Bs, long term psychological effects. But I had no choice. I had to choose between 2 evils. And after going through it all, I’m still not sure if I chose the lesser of the two.

It was either taking the LRT, or driving to the heart of town.

After choosing the ‘preferred’ choice, I drove to the Kelana Jaya station, the nearest possible station to Subang (that feat itself took me half an hour), and had to actually double park inside the legal parking lot, and told to left my gear in neutral and handbrake down. This is so that the attendants can manually move my car when the person whom I’m blocking wants to move his or her car. So there I was, imagining my car being pushed up the back of some lorry, and being cart away, as I reluctantly head towards the station.

I paid using Touch ‘n’ Go, and headed towards the platform. Now let me tell you this, I’m no spoilt kid. I used to use public transport a lot during my high school days, but it’s been a long time since I used the LRT. What more during the rush hour. And to my surprise, I saw everyone actually lining up. Hah! bet some of you didn’t know that. Malaysians are actually civilized (well, apparently a LRT staff or policeman makes sure they do line up, as I found out later).

As the train comes, and people mechanically started filling up the train, the line I was at suddenly stopped before boarding. I stood there stupidly, and my stupidity/ignorance must’ve radiated to the lady in front of me, when she suddenly turned back to me and said, “Do you want to board the train?”. With my mouth wide open, I nodded dumbly. “If you do, you can go ahead”. Oh! With that, I dashed in right before the door closes, and was in the train.

‘Hmm, this isn’t all too bad.’ But as station goes, and people started piling in, that’s when everything takes a turn for the worse. Personal space is practically non-existent. It’s just a mass of body everywhere. And when this fella holds up his arm to hold the bar overhead, I wished my senses, especially the one responsible for smell can be turned off.

I usually only need to endure a 20 min drive to work, in a slight jam. But at this point, my journey has would total up to around 1 hour 15 minutes, with 35 minutes of it being in the LRT.

I took a look around, and everyone’s face was somber. Some grabbed a quick shut-eye, stuffed headphones into their ears, but none are actually enthusiastically surveying their surroundings. Probably numbed from doing this everyday. I can’t imagine doing this daily, being all fresh at home, and then enduring a long tiring journey all squashed up standing, just to get to work. By the time I was out of the LRT, I was slightly sweating, with my nose smell receptors assaulted earlier, slight leg cramp, and a myriad of scent, good and bad, probably stuck on my body.

Having said that, my utmost respect goes out to all the people that who had to endure this, day in and day out just to do what they have to do, namely my dear mum who has been taking public transport since day 1 of her job, as she works in the heart of town.

That was on Wednesday. Today, I became a veteran of public transport, guiding my boss who is about to go onto it for the first time in 5 years. Boy, did he have a cultural shock too. First at the sight of people lining up. And then as I was quite ahead in the line, and he was at the back, he called me up and said “Reserve me a seat”. When he got into the train, I gave him a sarcastic look, and said “What seat?”.

As I head back to my normal lifestyle tomorrow, driving to my office in Shah Alam, waking up again at 8 A.M (I had to wake up before sunrise when I took the public transport!), sitting comfortably in my air-conditioned car, I would certainly reflect on how much luckier I am, compared to my other working counterparts who’s probably all squashed in the train at that time.

Lesson learnt

I took out the folded wad of cash that I temporarily stored in the glove compartment.

Walking towards the cash deposit machine, I took out the phone, and checked for the account number. As I go through the normal procedures, keying this and that, I kept the folded wad of cash in my pocket safely.

Here we go, account number, account owner, confirmed, yada yada.

The latch opens, prompting me to put the money in. With one hand still on my previous phone, I unfolded the wad of cash that I’ve folded into quarter of the original size, and dump it in.

‘Have you ever had this fear of the cover of the compartment to deposit your money closes too fast, while your hand is still in it?’

Well I do.

As I hurriedly pull my hands out, I pressed the button yes. The machine started whirring, counting the number of notes I’ve just deposited.

It whirred longer than usual.

“Oh sheet” As I thought in my mind. My money!

For the first time in my life, the screen showed ‘Mechanical Error’

And then came the screen prompting ‘Mesin Tergendala’. ‘Machine out of order’.

Double sheet.

I waited. And waited. The latch never opened. My money was never returned to me.

“NOoooooooooooooooooooo”

The guard says, come back tomorrow and make a report. God darn it. Back to the busiest area in Subang, on a working day? Crazy.

But I came back. For my money. Fortunately, it was only a form to fill, and some explanation to do. I was half expecting them to look and me and say, “Oh, you’re the idiot who jammed the machine”.

But she merely stamped my form, and said “the money will be credited in this evening”.

That was it? Yahoo!

And I think that, was it. The intended recipient of the cash reported successful transaction.

Happy. You guys, don’t do what I just did kay? Wasted my petrol to drive from office to the bank. Blah.

It’s not you, it’s just me

I sat down here for the longest time, thinking of what to write. I have a title that I like, but I just can’t think of how to express what I feel deep down inside.

Oh well, here we go…

Most of the time, it’s easier said than done. I talk about people’s problem, and I say “He should’ve done this, this and that”. But when it turns a full circle back to me, and I’m faced with that dilemma, I’m hesitant too.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to lose whatever I’ve already have, whatever little joy, happiness, just to face the possibility that it might go away if I do, if I say the wrong thing?

It’s not you, it’s just me.

Or maybe sometimes, I just over-analyze whatever I see, whatever I hear. It could be nothing. It could be everything. No one knows. Oh, only you do I suppose. And me, if I ever take the leap of faith.

It’s not you, it’s just me.

I vow to live my life without regrets, to find the source of light at the end of the tunnel, instead of being left groping in the dark forever. I want to do so. I want to know that I’ve tried, and even if I failed, I can hold my head up high. But not just yet, perhaps.

It’s not you, it’s just me.

I have doubts. Of the promises I try to make now, of promises that I think I may not be able to keep later. I have doubts about how much I like where I am now, and moving forward, moving there may just be something I don’t want. I have my doubts.

It’s not you, it’s just me.

But I do know one thing. Every single thing about you captures my attention. I am completely taken by what I see, feel, and experience with you, of you.

That’s definitely you.